Monday, October 12

Sorry by TassyJ on Deviantart.
I'm feeling like fuck now. 
My mum just told me she has been hurt by me these days.
I know i had been really selfish. Acting as if the world revolves around me. 
I had been a bastard, i swear. 
When my mum asks me to pack clothes i also can grumble. 
When she called me on the phone for the second time, i scolded her. 
I gave her very ugly body language, and very nasty looks. 
I'm so horrible, and i have to list them down so that no one will pity me. 
I seriously don't deserve 'aww you're not that bad'. cos i really did hurt my mum. 
My excuse was that other teens are worse. 
Crappy excuse i just realized and i will never use it again. 
I will stop thinking that i've been not bad as compared to other teens. 
Cos whatever other teens do, or how much better i am than them, i did hurt my mum terribly. 
I can only imagine how hurtful it is to receive an extremely annoyed glare from your loved one. 
All along, i never thought of how much the things i do can hurt my mum. 
I know i seriously upsetted her.
I never considered how much she loves me, and all along, i didn't. 
I have not loved her at all. 
I only loved myself. 
And when she brought it up just now, i'm so ego i talked back. 
I said there's no point in telling me these cos i know. 
I do know that i hurt her, and i know how to change even without her telling me. 
but can't a mum lecture her kid? 
I keep expecting her to be perfect,
I keep expecting her to revolve perfectly around my selfish little world. 
I expected this, expected that. 
Never realising she's also human. 
And she's my mum. 
Probably the only human who loves me this much. 

Okay, i'm done beating myself up. 
And i will change for the better. 
I will not treat my mum like i used to. 
I will not throw tantrums at her. 
I will keep control of my ego. 
I will not think that just because i can phrase my words better than her, i ought not listen to her. 
I will shut up when she talks to me. 
I will be humble, and quit thinking what she can do better. 
I will prove that i love her through actions, 
Instead of stupid notes scribbled and never taken by myself seriously. 
I will make sure she can see the changes, and not just actions so small, only i can see it after magnifying it. 

And i think this is the first time in a long time i cried over something i did wrong. 
Smudged my mascara, nose running, looking real pathetic. 

To think that just now, i was feeling all happy and thankful. 
I was listing out things that i am grateful for. 
And my mum was nodding silently to me. 
I wondered what was wrong. 
I didn't realize it until now. 
Even just now, i thought she was just trying to make things difficult for me when she brought that topic up. 

I was intending to talk about work. 
And the things i'm grateful for. 
But i doubt so now. 

(i will) Learn to appreciate what you have, before time forces you to appreciate what you've lost..

[xoxo] Made In Love 

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