Sorry by TassyJ on Deviantart.I'm feeling like fuck now.
My mum just told me she has been hurt by me these days.
I know i had been really selfish. Acting as if the world revolves around me.
I had been a bastard, i swear.
When my mum asks me to pack clothes i also can grumble.
When she called me on the phone for the second time, i scolded her.
I gave her very ugly body language, and very nasty looks.
I'm so horrible, and i have to list them down so that no one will pity me.
I seriously don't deserve 'aww you're not that bad'. cos i really did hurt my mum.
My excuse was that other teens are worse.
Crappy excuse i just realized and i will never use it again.
I will stop thinking that i've been not bad as compared to other teens.
Cos whatever other teens do, or how much better i am than them, i did hurt my mum terribly.
I can only imagine how hurtful it is to receive an extremely annoyed glare from your loved one.
All along, i never thought of how much the things i do can hurt my mum.
I know i seriously upsetted her.
I never considered how much she loves me, and all along, i didn't.
I have not loved her at all.
I only loved myself.
And when she brought it up just now, i'm so ego i talked back.
I said there's no point in telling me these cos i know.
I do know that i hurt her, and i know how to change even without her telling me.
but can't a mum lecture her kid?
I keep expecting her to be perfect,
I keep expecting her to revolve perfectly around my selfish little world.
I expected this, expected that.
Never realising she's also human.
And she's my mum.
Probably the only human who loves me this much.
Okay, i'm done beating myself up.
And i will change for the better.
I will not treat my mum like i used to.
I will not throw tantrums at her.
I will keep control of my ego.
I will not think that just because i can phrase my words better than her, i ought not listen to her.
I will shut up when she talks to me.
I will be humble, and quit thinking what she can do better.
I will prove that i love her through actions,
Instead of stupid notes scribbled and never taken by myself seriously.
I will make sure she can see the changes, and not just actions so small, only i can see it after magnifying it.
And i think this is the first time in a long time i cried over something i did wrong.
Smudged my mascara, nose running, looking real pathetic.
To think that just now, i was feeling all happy and thankful.
I was listing out things that i am grateful for.
And my mum was nodding silently to me.
I wondered what was wrong.
I didn't realize it until now.
Even just now, i thought she was just trying to make things difficult for me when she brought that topic up.
I was intending to talk about work.
And the things i'm grateful for.
But i doubt so now.
(i will) Learn to appreciate what you have, before time forces you to appreciate what you've lost..
[xoxo] Made In Love